The next step...a hearing.....

       At 3pm today I couldn't wait anymore so I called the girls social worker to get news. And found out she doesn't go to the hearings! I was frustrated! Then I remembered I had the girl's lawyers info so I called her, surely she had to be there. So she gave me the information, and even though I've never met her, I really like her. Well both parents showed up to court today and both did protest the termination. I am bummed but I kinda respect them for it too. It almost makes me happy that I can tell my girls that at least when it came to this point they did try to fight. I hope that will someday be a comfort to them. Anyway, the next step is for an informal hearing where the parents and their lawyers get to meet with the girls lawyers, and maybe social workers (I'm not sure about that) and sit down and talk the case over. The lawyer explained to me that this is so they get to be heard and they will try to "work things out" which means basically the girls lawyer will try to talk them into relinquishing rights willfully and the parents will try to prove they can care for them and they have enough of a established relationship with the girls that it would be detrimental to terminate. And as the lawyer even told me we know neither of things things are true. So then they go to court before the judge and if things are not settled they go to trail. Both those things happen in the next two weeks, which we are glad about. Please please continue to pray for this. I especially don't want to have to take the girls to anymore visits because it is so hard on them. As miraculous as it would be I am praying again that the parents not show up to the hearing. As I said I think at this point it would be a miracle, but my God is in the miracle business! In any case I know God's hand is in this, and like I said even as I look at this today I think "well at least someday I can tell them they fought for them at the end." Thank you all for your support and prayers.

Next step tomorrow

       So tomorrow morning 9am is the hearing to (hopefully) terminate parental rights for the girls. Their birth parents have a right to be there and they can also contest the decision to terminate rights. This would mean that a hearing date would be set up a few weeks from now where they would try to present new information to not have their rights terminated. Because of the legal steps and the case up to this point I can confidently say that there is no change with them, and there would be no new information. However this would just delay the process and some parents do it just for that, and as an act of control or desperation. Because of the case history we are confident that rights will be terminated at some point, and we do not want to have to wait out a lengthy court process. So we have been praying that the parents do not show up and they do not contest the ruling. Will you join us with that night and tomorrow? And also that one of the girl's social workers would let me know ASAP what happened? I could go but as I have already met birth mom I do not want it to cause a scene.

Tattoos or permanent marker

       There are times I feel so inadequate for the job God has given me, to be a mommy to these two girls. Especially our big girlie who had gone through so much hurt already. I loose my patience, I've raised my voice, and I've cried A LOT. There are many times when I feel I just don't know what I'm doing. I have to parent in a whole new way and I just don't know how. There are many behaviors that I would not have accepted when the boys were two, but I need to remember that she has not been in our family for two years. Only two months. She does not have the foundation that they had. I need to give grace and leeway but how do I make sure that she knows how safe she is here, how we treat each other in our family, and how to behave? Maybe it's something that takes time, but I worry that I'm not doing it right. We had her potty trained, took almost a week, and she was good for two weeks. Then she had a visit with birth mom and regressed. Very disappointing. And I'll admit it took me a while to figure out that's what it was. Then it was understandable. But did my frustration with her before that hurt our relationship? Did it hurt her? I'm just so worried about doing it right, and I wish that her just being with us now would fix everything she's gone through. But it can't erase the past two years of her life. I know she's had it hard. I just don't know how to help. There are deep issues that I'm working with. And worries that I have. I don't know how God is going to use this way less than perfect mommy to help heal this little girl. I wish I could see it now. I wish I did it better more often. I hope I don't fail her, she doesn't need one more mom to do that.
       I'm lost and I don't know where to find the answers. But I need some. I need someone who's been here or who knows what this is like. I saw a print the other day it said "Take a deep breath and pray." I think I need that in front of me at all times to remind me. I was thinking maybe on my hands? Permanent marker or if that doesn't work maybe tattoo (that's a joke in case my mom or grandparents are reading this). Or just very small on my contacts so I can see it at all times?
       This is very hard and stressful and emotionally draining. And many of you will not see or understand that. Not that anyone needs to. Please don't judge me. Please don't let the way I handle things right now offend you. I am doing the best I can, with the information I have, to do what is best for the girls and our family. I don't need pity and I don't need to talk about it. But I want to be real and I want people to know, this is hard. I know, I KNOW it will be worth it. And I am confident that this is the Lord plans for us. Which makes it doable, but not easy still. Of course not many things He calls us to do are.
        All this does not mean that there are not good times too. There are. There are sweet times, or times when I can breathe. Big girl will say or do something cute or sweet. We'll have a fun day, or have a few tantrum free hours. I'll have cuddle time with baby girl when I don't have three other kids yelling at each other in another room, and I can enjoy her babyness. We'll have a fun family day and I get a glimpse of what our family can, and hopefully will, be like.
       I'm probably expecting too much too soon. I just don't want to mess this up. I feel like a new parent all over again, but this time I'm so much more worried about doing it wrong. I love her, I want her to know she's loved and I want her to love me too. Maybe it's like the old saying I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm so focused on making it through the day I can't see the big picture. Maybe I just need perspective.
      Take a deep breath and Pray. So if you see me walking around with marker on my hand, just know it's hard and I'm trying and maybe I need a silent prayer from you. And no, I won't get the tattoo.