We have a date!! Thursday October 25th 2012 8:30 is our court date to finalize the adoption of the girls!! Praise God!! So excited!!

They say hindsight is 20/20

       I have been feeling very bad about something lately. And that is my lack of honest transparency that I really wanted to have on this blog. I wanted to be able to update friends and family on the process of the waiting and the time table and order of events, but more important I started this for people like me. People who were starting the process, or just looking into it, or right in the heat of battle. I wanted to give information, support and guidance. People who are looking for another person to get it. Someone anywhere, to just read it and think "wow they've been there too. " I looked and looked for someone else who blogged about foster adoption and couldn't find any. Not one. I found many on international adoption, and quite a few on domestic infant adoption, but not one other person who had gone through or was going through what I was. And I wanted to share my heart with people. But I got caught up in wondering what people I knew would think of me if I really told everyone what this has been like for us. It's not pretty. It is hard, so very, very hard. I am just now 10 months later coming out of the cloud and seeing the light at the end. So I will be writing a post soon, to all those who want to know and will not judge, about our past 10 1/2 months. If you read it please do so with an open mind, and know that it will be a very hard thing for me to be open about things that are hard to talk about. Trust me when I say, despite what you may "know", like with many things, until you've walked this you do not know what its like. I say that from someone who was very well prepared by our agency on what to expect, but walking through it has been a whole different story. And so you don't leave this post feeling like I'm getting down on people or have a "woe is me" attitude I'll end with this- It's been hard but even knowing what I do now,  I'd still do it.



P.S. I got a call from the courts today about processing our adoption application so we should have a date soon :)

Official word today!

       Yay! All praise to God! Today we met with our social worker and the state adoption social worker and got official news that the parents did not file an appeal and we're moving ahead to the adoptive placement and should be finalized by the end of September! Wow. We are all kinda amazed that they didn't file seeing as how they have stretched this out up to this point. I have been preparing myself the whole time for an appeal because it happens so often and because they have fought it along the way, but I knew that if they didn't it would be God's hand in this. It feels like our own little miracle. The social workers were happily surprised too, we just all kinda figured they would appeal. I was preparing myself for it but I kept feeling like God was telling me that he was fighting this for us, the whole way and that I didn't need to worry about it. And at church we kept singing a song during worship that I just felt God speaking to me each time "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us then who can stand against?" I kept holding tight to that, and I feel like that happened. I am so happy and relieved. I cannot wait for the girls to be truly truly ours in a few months.
       Today went over a bunch of paperwork and the state adoption worker told us how the rest of the process would go, and explained how everything would be kept confidential, that there wouldn't be a trail that the parents could find them, and that we can even finalize the adoption in our county instead of  the county where they were placed. We even get new birth certificates with our names on them! Not that we won't be telling the girls they were adopted, they will grow up knowing that, but the birth parents are not people I want to be able to find us. And I want the girls to know they are ours, regardless of the DNA make up they have.
       So good news today. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us, we really appreciate it. Continued prayers for our family to be bonding together and continue to become a whole unit are appreciated as well. Thank you all.

Mother's Day and the Goodbye visit

          My mother's day was blessed. I got beautiful handmade cards (my favorite) and the boys each made gifts at school for me. I thought about how blessed I am to be a mommy to my kids, and I thought a lot about the girls birth mom and this from last year. I referenced that same post last time and I thought of it a lot Sunday. Last year I wondered where our daughter was and now I know that they were both safe and in great foster homes with women I now love and respect. They were both placed in the homes of incredible families, and we still have relationships with those families. I know they were being loved on and cared for in those homes. Last year I wondered about the birth mom, and I know now that last year she had just had her children and brand new baby taken from her. She was still healing from birth, and had even breast fed and was having to stop that. There was probably emotional and physical pain. And I thought of her this year, she had just had her rights terminated and had today's goodbye visit looming. What a hard day I imagine it could have been, just a few weeks after learning rights were terminated and knowing in two days would be the last time she sees the girls. I still don't understand why she did not show up to the court hearing, and honestly I lost respect for her because of that, but I know because of things she has said to me that she is sad about losing the girls. I know that in the only way she can she does care for them. And so I have a heavy heart for her today. I am sad for her, regardless how how she feels. I don't think there will be a mothers day or birthday that goes by that I won't think of her, because I do believe she will be thinking of the girls. And while we do not believe that contact with her is in the girls best interest, I feel sad at what she will miss. I'm hoping and praying that today's visit goes well. The social worker told me that a lot of times birth parents do hold it together for the kids, so I do hope she can. I am afraid of what a tense emotional scene would do to the girls. It's amazing how much even the baby picks up on that. I hope to take a couple pictures to show the girls later too.
        On another note, we had two social workers visits today so I got clarification on the process from here out. We are just waiting to hear if the birth parents appeal, there as been no talk of it yet. I'm praying that they don't, especially after hearing today that that can take a year to complete. We can start the paperwork for the adoptive placement (just the official placement of the girls into our home for adoption, not foster care) now though, and the state adoption worker that was here today said she will try to have it completed and sent to the state adoption center in Sacramento by the end of the week, so if there is no appeal we should be able to finalize very quickly.
        I'm still being very careful about posting pictures, I still am not supposed to post them, although I've talked to a few adoptive families who started posting even before things were final. I'll probably still be careful, especially since I'm sure it will create a comment storm when I do put them on FB. I do carry our new family pictures on my phone though so I can show them to people I see. (hint, hint)
        It's been 6 months now and we're gelling more and more as a family. It's a process. We've heard that the first year is hard, and the first 6 months of that the hardest, so I'm waiting for it to get easier :) With big girls attachment issues we've been told that it could take up to as long as the age she was when she came home, so it could take 2 years for her to really attach and bond to us. She seems to be starting to trust us and seeking geniue affection more, and her therapist and I are encouraged. But there are days when she goes back, and it can be hard. I try not to get my feelings hurt. The hardest part is that people don't see it and so they don't know what I'm talking about. But it's like that for attachment disorders. I've read a few books on it and Josh actually got to go to a seminar on it so we're learning. And she is starting to really be herself around Josh and test him too, so thats a good sign. Baby girl just turned one year and is starting to bond with daddy too. She gets happy when she sees him and will laugh when he plays with her. It's taken a little while, I think mostly because he is at work so much. She's starting to talk and sign, and can just now stand completely other own. Even today she was willing walked with me holding just one hand, so I think she's getting close.
       Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Please be praying now for today's visit, for the birth parents, and for no appeal so we can finalize soon. Also we will be continuing to have contact with their birth grandmother so prayers for guidance and wisdom with that. So far it has only been a couple e-mails on my part and some pictures of the girls. Also I'd love for you to pass this blog on to anyone you think might enjoy it, be encouraged by it, or is thinking of ever adopting. And I love to hear from you too.

whew, so glad thats step's done!

    Well most of you follow on Facebook, so you know how the last 2 months have gone. But let me re-cap. At the first hearing to terminate rights the birth parents were there and they contested so it was set to go to a settlement hearing where the lawyers and social workers meet with them and try to come to a agreement. This was rescheduled several times and finally when all parties had agreed on a date the birth parents did not show. A date was already set to go before the judge to tell the outcome of the hearing and the parents still wanted to contest to get a trail so a trail date was set for last week. I had talked to the lawyer who assured me that we didn't need to worry and that the birth parents were just going before the judge to testify and try to keep their rights, but that they had no evidence to support that and the lawyer had a good strong case. The girls county social worker told me she thought I should go to that trail and so my best friend and I made the hour drive last Monday (Josh couldn't make it because he had a training to do for our foster license. My best friend offered to go to support me, she's such awesome friend). Once there we found out that there had been a death in the birth family and the trail was being postponed until this week. The state adoption worker that was there was surprised to see me and basically said she didn't think that it was a usually a good idea for foster-adoptive parents to go. She is our state adoption workers supervisor, and I had not meet her before. I had the right to be there, but she was saying that it could make this complicated.
    Anyway I got two different dates on when it would be and so I had to decide whether or not I wanted to go and if I wanted to find out the date. After prayer and lots of talking to people I trusted for their opinion, I decided that not only would I not go but that I would not call to get clarification on the date. I realized that day to day I was not worried about the outcome of the trail and very confident that the rights would be terminated, but when I knew the day/time, I would stress and be anxious all day. For nothing because it didn't help anything. I decided not to go and  I thought of possibly just requesting the transcripts so I could know what was said. I didn't want a scene with the birth parents and I just felt like they kinda deserved to do the trail with out me there. Thats a little hard to explain, just that it is a hard thing, no matter what they have done, to have your rights to your children taken away and I felt that I was giving them the respect they deserve as people, to have that done without me there to watch. I don't know if I can explain that better, I hope it's understandable. If not- sorry thats the best I got, if you see me I may be able to do better in person, you could ask :)
     So anyway I knew it was either yesterday or today at 2pm and that someone would call me, and if not I would call Wednesday.  Yesterday I did think about it at 2 but only because I was at the dentist. Today I don't think about it until 4, while at a friends house. Well when I got home I had a message from the lawyer letting me know that the birth parents did not show up to the trail and that rights were terminated. Wow. I just felt so good! When I was praying about it last week I knew that I had already given my worry about it to God, but every time a date came up I would take it back on and worry, worry, worry.  Not that I could do anything! God is ultimately in control of all things, and I am not! Why would I not give it to Him and leave it there? So when I prayed and God said "Just leave it to me. Don't give yourself more worry than you need. Trust me with all of it, you don't even need to worry about when it is, I already got this." So I did just trust him. And I had a great 2 days and it's done.  The peace I had last week when I made the decision not to worry, not to find out the date, was so awesome. And then to just come home and have that message. I mean, I didn't do anything, no driving to court, no worrying, nothing. And He did it. I hope you all can understand how amazing and freeing that is. If not, well I'm pretty sure the lesson was for me so it doesn't really matter. But wow, my God. Its such a weird, cool, scary feeling to know be done with that step. The girls birth parents have no legal rights to them and they are freed for adoption. For us. They way we believe that God always intended it to be. They are ours, and now we are one step closer to finalizing that.
     I am thinking about their birth mom though. She has expressed some sadness to me in the past when I have seen her about losing the girls. And while I cannot comprehend why they didn't show for court today, I have an empathy for her about this hard thing in her life. She is not able to care for the girls (or their siblings) and has not made good choices in the past, but she is a mother who has feelings. What a loss she has had today. These girls are amazing and she is missing out. This morning I was in the shower and baby girl crawled up to the door and was so excited she found me and was being so cute and talking, pounding on the glass so happy. I thought "Look at my baby. I love her and she loves her momma" Then I though about her birth mom and how she is missing out on such a joy. I am glad that baby girl is ours, and that she loves me so such, but I just felt such a loss for her birth mom. I'm not sure if most of you can understand that. It's hard to understand myself and I never thought I'd have such a compassion and empathy for the birth parents, but I believe it's something God gave me last year. You can read that here.
    The birth parents have the legal right to appeal the termination, and they have 60 days to file that. What that does is goes to the state appeals court and the court just makes sure legal process was followed and that the birth parents were given all their rights by law. I'm sure they will appeal, a lot of birth parents do. I just hope it's sooner rather than later so we will know, and so it can hopefully get dealt with that much sooner.
    Also there will be a goodbye visit for the birth mom. I am hoping to do it soon-ish, and had a good conversation about it with the county social worker tonight. So prayers for getting the dates figured out and for the girls dealing with that would be great.
     Someday I hope to find time to update about non-legal/court stuff, cause I have a bunch to share. Things are kinda calming down, so maybe soon. I have a lot to talk about; the honeymoon after placement, the hard times, counseling, the good times, finding a new normal, great foster families that have turned into wonderful new family for us, baby girl's first birthday, the boys adjustment, and so much more. But not tonight. Tonight I am just so grateful for what has happened!

The next step...a hearing.....

       At 3pm today I couldn't wait anymore so I called the girls social worker to get news. And found out she doesn't go to the hearings! I was frustrated! Then I remembered I had the girl's lawyers info so I called her, surely she had to be there. So she gave me the information, and even though I've never met her, I really like her. Well both parents showed up to court today and both did protest the termination. I am bummed but I kinda respect them for it too. It almost makes me happy that I can tell my girls that at least when it came to this point they did try to fight. I hope that will someday be a comfort to them. Anyway, the next step is for an informal hearing where the parents and their lawyers get to meet with the girls lawyers, and maybe social workers (I'm not sure about that) and sit down and talk the case over. The lawyer explained to me that this is so they get to be heard and they will try to "work things out" which means basically the girls lawyer will try to talk them into relinquishing rights willfully and the parents will try to prove they can care for them and they have enough of a established relationship with the girls that it would be detrimental to terminate. And as the lawyer even told me we know neither of things things are true. So then they go to court before the judge and if things are not settled they go to trail. Both those things happen in the next two weeks, which we are glad about. Please please continue to pray for this. I especially don't want to have to take the girls to anymore visits because it is so hard on them. As miraculous as it would be I am praying again that the parents not show up to the hearing. As I said I think at this point it would be a miracle, but my God is in the miracle business! In any case I know God's hand is in this, and like I said even as I look at this today I think "well at least someday I can tell them they fought for them at the end." Thank you all for your support and prayers.

Next step tomorrow

       So tomorrow morning 9am is the hearing to (hopefully) terminate parental rights for the girls. Their birth parents have a right to be there and they can also contest the decision to terminate rights. This would mean that a hearing date would be set up a few weeks from now where they would try to present new information to not have their rights terminated. Because of the legal steps and the case up to this point I can confidently say that there is no change with them, and there would be no new information. However this would just delay the process and some parents do it just for that, and as an act of control or desperation. Because of the case history we are confident that rights will be terminated at some point, and we do not want to have to wait out a lengthy court process. So we have been praying that the parents do not show up and they do not contest the ruling. Will you join us with that night and tomorrow? And also that one of the girl's social workers would let me know ASAP what happened? I could go but as I have already met birth mom I do not want it to cause a scene.

Tattoos or permanent marker

       There are times I feel so inadequate for the job God has given me, to be a mommy to these two girls. Especially our big girlie who had gone through so much hurt already. I loose my patience, I've raised my voice, and I've cried A LOT. There are many times when I feel I just don't know what I'm doing. I have to parent in a whole new way and I just don't know how. There are many behaviors that I would not have accepted when the boys were two, but I need to remember that she has not been in our family for two years. Only two months. She does not have the foundation that they had. I need to give grace and leeway but how do I make sure that she knows how safe she is here, how we treat each other in our family, and how to behave? Maybe it's something that takes time, but I worry that I'm not doing it right. We had her potty trained, took almost a week, and she was good for two weeks. Then she had a visit with birth mom and regressed. Very disappointing. And I'll admit it took me a while to figure out that's what it was. Then it was understandable. But did my frustration with her before that hurt our relationship? Did it hurt her? I'm just so worried about doing it right, and I wish that her just being with us now would fix everything she's gone through. But it can't erase the past two years of her life. I know she's had it hard. I just don't know how to help. There are deep issues that I'm working with. And worries that I have. I don't know how God is going to use this way less than perfect mommy to help heal this little girl. I wish I could see it now. I wish I did it better more often. I hope I don't fail her, she doesn't need one more mom to do that.
       I'm lost and I don't know where to find the answers. But I need some. I need someone who's been here or who knows what this is like. I saw a print the other day it said "Take a deep breath and pray." I think I need that in front of me at all times to remind me. I was thinking maybe on my hands? Permanent marker or if that doesn't work maybe tattoo (that's a joke in case my mom or grandparents are reading this). Or just very small on my contacts so I can see it at all times?
       This is very hard and stressful and emotionally draining. And many of you will not see or understand that. Not that anyone needs to. Please don't judge me. Please don't let the way I handle things right now offend you. I am doing the best I can, with the information I have, to do what is best for the girls and our family. I don't need pity and I don't need to talk about it. But I want to be real and I want people to know, this is hard. I know, I KNOW it will be worth it. And I am confident that this is the Lord plans for us. Which makes it doable, but not easy still. Of course not many things He calls us to do are.
        All this does not mean that there are not good times too. There are. There are sweet times, or times when I can breathe. Big girl will say or do something cute or sweet. We'll have a fun day, or have a few tantrum free hours. I'll have cuddle time with baby girl when I don't have three other kids yelling at each other in another room, and I can enjoy her babyness. We'll have a fun family day and I get a glimpse of what our family can, and hopefully will, be like.
       I'm probably expecting too much too soon. I just don't want to mess this up. I feel like a new parent all over again, but this time I'm so much more worried about doing it wrong. I love her, I want her to know she's loved and I want her to love me too. Maybe it's like the old saying I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm so focused on making it through the day I can't see the big picture. Maybe I just need perspective.
      Take a deep breath and Pray. So if you see me walking around with marker on my hand, just know it's hard and I'm trying and maybe I need a silent prayer from you. And no, I won't get the tattoo.

TWO months later......and now complete

       So I have FOUR kiddos now! Yikes! My days are super busy. For a while there my best friend thought I didn't like her, we went from talking a few times a day to a few times a week. It's starting to get better. I have time to see friends and to get things done again. I did not realize how busy I would be, good gracious. It feels like instead of just doubling my work, I've quadrupled it. I have so much that I really want to share about the past two months, it is overwhelming! But I really feel lead to do so, so I will slowly.
      The main thing I wanted to share tonight is that for the first time ever I feel "done". We are done adding babies (and kids) to our family. This is it- I feel complete. Which reminds me of something Josh told me shortly after we brought the girls home. He wrote to me "I didn't feel like we were missing something before, but now I feel we're complete." And that's just it. We're busy, we're stressed, we're tired, it's so much harder than we thought-but we're complete.