Tattoos or permanent marker

       There are times I feel so inadequate for the job God has given me, to be a mommy to these two girls. Especially our big girlie who had gone through so much hurt already. I loose my patience, I've raised my voice, and I've cried A LOT. There are many times when I feel I just don't know what I'm doing. I have to parent in a whole new way and I just don't know how. There are many behaviors that I would not have accepted when the boys were two, but I need to remember that she has not been in our family for two years. Only two months. She does not have the foundation that they had. I need to give grace and leeway but how do I make sure that she knows how safe she is here, how we treat each other in our family, and how to behave? Maybe it's something that takes time, but I worry that I'm not doing it right. We had her potty trained, took almost a week, and she was good for two weeks. Then she had a visit with birth mom and regressed. Very disappointing. And I'll admit it took me a while to figure out that's what it was. Then it was understandable. But did my frustration with her before that hurt our relationship? Did it hurt her? I'm just so worried about doing it right, and I wish that her just being with us now would fix everything she's gone through. But it can't erase the past two years of her life. I know she's had it hard. I just don't know how to help. There are deep issues that I'm working with. And worries that I have. I don't know how God is going to use this way less than perfect mommy to help heal this little girl. I wish I could see it now. I wish I did it better more often. I hope I don't fail her, she doesn't need one more mom to do that.
       I'm lost and I don't know where to find the answers. But I need some. I need someone who's been here or who knows what this is like. I saw a print the other day it said "Take a deep breath and pray." I think I need that in front of me at all times to remind me. I was thinking maybe on my hands? Permanent marker or if that doesn't work maybe tattoo (that's a joke in case my mom or grandparents are reading this). Or just very small on my contacts so I can see it at all times?
       This is very hard and stressful and emotionally draining. And many of you will not see or understand that. Not that anyone needs to. Please don't judge me. Please don't let the way I handle things right now offend you. I am doing the best I can, with the information I have, to do what is best for the girls and our family. I don't need pity and I don't need to talk about it. But I want to be real and I want people to know, this is hard. I know, I KNOW it will be worth it. And I am confident that this is the Lord plans for us. Which makes it doable, but not easy still. Of course not many things He calls us to do are.
        All this does not mean that there are not good times too. There are. There are sweet times, or times when I can breathe. Big girl will say or do something cute or sweet. We'll have a fun day, or have a few tantrum free hours. I'll have cuddle time with baby girl when I don't have three other kids yelling at each other in another room, and I can enjoy her babyness. We'll have a fun family day and I get a glimpse of what our family can, and hopefully will, be like.
       I'm probably expecting too much too soon. I just don't want to mess this up. I feel like a new parent all over again, but this time I'm so much more worried about doing it wrong. I love her, I want her to know she's loved and I want her to love me too. Maybe it's like the old saying I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm so focused on making it through the day I can't see the big picture. Maybe I just need perspective.
      Take a deep breath and Pray. So if you see me walking around with marker on my hand, just know it's hard and I'm trying and maybe I need a silent prayer from you. And no, I won't get the tattoo.